I was literally crying just now, I need attention for god sake, i was waiting for my mom so i can submit my work to the lecturer, but she end up didn't make it, she don't even reply to my message and just came home act like nothing happen and stay for awhile and then left to go to her friend's till tomorrow morning, I'm home alone, like I'm so emotional right now, I'm crying while typing this, i was crying silently because i was so hungry at 2m asking her when she'll be back home and asked her to bring food when she got home, since i don't wanna cook cus the kitchen is a mess because of my brother and i don't wanna wash the dishes, she end up going back home at almost 8 in the morning, and i asked her to send me to school during her lunch break, and she said "all u know is to order me around" while she was down stair I was crying in my bedroom, and then she called me, i thought she listened to my crying and concerned about me and found out that she wants me to iron her clothes, she even offer me 'kupang' that she just cooks, ofc i lost my taste because, i just miss 10% of my mark, and didn't give my classmates her tripod back, i feel guilty to my friend.

 I'm always lack of love, from parents and from everyone else, when I got to hs, my mom bring in her bf and along of his entire family to our house, i admit i was rude to her at that phase because all she did was stupid at that time, she bring a drug addict, gold digger (tho we're not rich, he just like to smooch from my mom, he's even younger than my sister. and who bring a bunch of guy to live at home while her daughter is growing? thankfully nothing happen to me back then.

i didn't know what is love feels like, whan i was in yr 7 and 8 , i just played it off, and not taking things seriously but when i got to be in yr 9, i drop my mark resulting in going to the D class ( i was in C before) all of my girl friends stay in C class and one of my friendly rival upgraded to B,) when i mentioned it to my fam, they called me stupid,  I'm upset ofc but no really,no, really, and i know i  was just fooling around back in yr 7 and 8 fangirling to my crush who doesn't even think about me.

when i was in yr 9 the bullying is getting frequent and people saw me crying alot of time but they didn't even say anything nor do anything about it. even teachers, they were only mad when i burst out crying after holding it in for so long in the class and when one of my sis came to school meeting with the head discipline tchr,  i was literally trying to survived , everyday is like crawling asking for water in the middle of desert. what's making it worse my yr 7 and 8 best friends left my side, just because of a small arguments, i get it, i was not on their level, but who did that? like i was alone, no one wants to befriend me. i was not alone tho' I have a friend , she's a transferred students, she was bullied too. we fought a lot but its fine cause she was the one who stays by my side.

I'm striving myself to prove to everyone i can do better, like I'm not stupid , so i was studying harder and there comes the silver lining, even tho' the bullying didn't stop i was loved by teachers because of my marks and being an obedient student, till my marks beat the B and C class, which is kinda impressive tbh,  i remembered having to beat all of my intake in IGCSE mathematics, kinda proud of it a little , it happen when i was in yr 11.

the teachers in hs loves me sm, 'love' , i realized they want me to excel in study, and support my way for good grades, sometimes i wonder what it feels like to be their daughter, to be love and everything, they were so soft , and very nice to me, since then i was trying my best like the most best to please them, i study every night, and sometimes i don't even change my school uniform so i can study longer, it worked well, the teachers love me, when i was in yr 10, i was just tired to please my classmates, and the bullying kinda get down a little bit, because they now i worked so hard but they still make sounds like 'eww' or 'subhanAllah' and etc whenever i  passed by.

when i was in yr 11, my classmates started talking to me, and guess what i have the most sweet yrs of my life, the become my friends and slowly people are accepting me for who i am, and start making jokes with me, i even become the class meme, good ol days, i got full credit for my o levels and made it to the top 3 .

when my mom saw the top 2 was a girl during the graduation day, my mom just shake her head off to show her disapproval, she said my brain was actually 50/50 not really smart, i got into top 3 because i worked hard. one of my friend who got 4'o said her mom is okay with it and her family, not really fine with it i guess, since her sister's a science tchr in my hs, but they're not saying her a stupid person with 50/50 brain's level.

my mom was not that bad, but this is just what her lacking and what her not lacking is alot too, its just i don't have any mood rn to express myself because i was so disappointed with myself. i was looking for motherly love, and the way i got it is by asking some from my hs tchrs, when i get to take HND in my college, like rn, i wasn't the smartest nor the one who have talents, some kids in my class even make it obvious that they didn't like me, but it was better than some of my hs yr, the boy in my class are so nice,some of them doesn't really go well with me but i guess rn he changes? idk, and my girl cm is also nice like i received my first birthday-cake-from-friend by one of my cm, and the friend who always help me, but there's like 3 girls in my class who don't really like me, and make it obvious, omg, they were older than me but they act  like, idk,  they were super nice to everyone but not me, and the reasons teachers likes me in hs is because I'm smart , that's why I'm not really a fav in hs, even one of my lecturer is kinda get annoyed by me and have this cold vibe. so idk.

okay I'm done expressing my lungs out, i feel calm now, but I'm so sleepy by all those crying and i have to clean the kitchen messed by my brother later. and 2 assignments to be send tomorrow. my life's kinda suck